I Hate Myself Sometimes

I have this inane ability of pissing off people unintentionally.

People who are close to me and people who i treasure.

It seems like whenever i try to joke with them,

I always ended up ticking something sensitive.

And i hate it.

I hate this.

So much.

So so much.

I hate myself.

What Kills Me Inside

And the emo cells strike again!

What is wrong with me.

I think i finally understand what they mean by "insult a woman once and they remember it for life".

Whoop-dee-do! Guess i AM a woman after all!

Thanks to that incident, i have been feeling more self-conscious than i had ever felt in my life.

Did that one experience really cut me that deeply?

No.

Like really. Nope. I really don't think so.

If that's the case, why do i keep getting emotional over it?

I don't even know.

What i do know, that it IS the truth.

Yeap, there's no point trying to deny it.

And there's nothing i can do about it.

No way to change it.

I tried.

But no.

It doesn't work that way.

I am stuck like this.

Forever.

Perhaps that's why i'm dying inside.

Not the fact that someone voiced it out.

But the fact that what being said is true.

And there is no way to change the fact.

Because that is the way it is.

2013

Woots, the new year is here! Was busy with practice for the KMBS New Year Blessing performance on the days leading up to 1st of January, and the days after were filled with schoolwork.

Anyway, its the new year so dropping by with a short note.

New year, new aspirations.

Yeap. My aspiration: I'm going to stop procrastinating on my homework and try to finish them on the first day, not the day before its due lol.

I can say that the camp had seriously made an impact, i'm definitely more mature and serious compared to the previous year.

Or perhaps its an adult thing, since i've only officially turned 18 years old 12 days ago lol!

Happy 2013 everyone! ^^

Shopping Haul

So, i was supposed to have singing practice at KMBS today but I dumped it and went for a shopping spree with mum in Mid Valley (oops). Hey, a girl needs her retail therapy okayy :P

And since its still the end of the year...

SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE SALE

Yesh! The year-end sales are still going on! (thankfully!) I bought four items from various shops, and since i have nothing to do, i decided to post up my shopping haul for today! :D

Here it goes!

First, my most favorite item from today's shopping haul:

I bought this GORGEOUS skirt is from Forever 21. Now, do you know how much this cost me?

RM30 ONLY!!! THIS IS MADNESS!!!

The original price is around RM89.90!!! Isn't this a such a bargain?!?

Onto the next piece;

This shorts is from Padini. The original price is about RM99, but after 70% discount, it only cost me around RM29! AWESOMENESS!!

I love wearing shorts because: 1) its too damn hot in Malaysia 2) i look good in shorts LOL xD *bricked*

This shorts comes in two colours which is brown and black. I took the brown one because i already have black shorts.

Third item:

I have always wanted a cardigan and now i finally own one! Bought this blue cardigan from Jusco.

It was selling for only RM19.90!! How can i resist this kind of price?!?


And my last item,

Bought a pair of long white pants. This is mainly for KMBS purposes such as Wesak and Full Moon Devotional Service which requires us to wear full white attire.

Nothing spectacular about it. Original price is RM119.90 and after 70% discount... you do the math.

That is all for my shopping haul today. My favorite item is definitely the skirt from Forever 21 and the shorts from Padini. I bought a pants it seems, but no shirts at all. o.o Okay, this means i need to go for round two shopping spree!!

Signing out. Toodles~

Contemplations

In a way, i could say the 2012 T.E.A.M Camp co-organised by us KMBS and Sudhamma youths gave me plenty of mixed feelings. I felt like i'm stuck in the past, alternating from the happy and the unhappy memories of the camp. One moment i could be smiling and laughing at the good times, and the next minute, i could be reminiscing about a sad event, bringing me close to tears. And with that, four days passed in a blur of confusion, of contemplation, of regret.

Throughout my experiences in camps, never had i experience such strong and raw emotions other than pure joy and happiness. But in this camp, for the first time, i experienced loneliness, hurt, anger, sadness, so strong that it completely took over my mental and emotional state, in turn controlling my physical actions as well. This had caused me to lose my cool, behaving the exact opposite of what i usually am. And it was in camp too. Go figures.

Thinking back on how I've acted, I've gone into depression mode, redrawing into myself, leaving it just me, myself, and my thoughts. With that, i started replaying the events from the first day right to the last day of camp. I analysed my role as a facilitator, what i should have done, what i have done instead, and the outcome. And i analysed the situation where i was insulted, and how i have reacted. In the process, i nearly broke down a few times. I felt like crap, and i started questioning my self worth. Nobody likes me. There's nothing desirable about me at all. Basically, i was inconsolable.

After a while, i snapped out of my stupor. Wait a minute, what on earth is going on? Where did these negative thoughts come from? I calmed myself and took a step back to get a clearer picture. I reanalysed every situation and came to a conclusion. Yes, i have done a miserable job. Yes, i have not been myself in the past week or so. Yes, i have made a lot of mistakes. Yes, i was a short fuse and had exploded at the wrong time. And yes, i had probably pissed off several people as well. But i realised that what's done is done, and there's nothing i can do to undo them or to bring back time. Nothing. No amount of contemplation, regret, and self-loathing can change anything. With that thought, again i ask myself. Is there any point beating myself over and over again for something that had already happened? Hmm.

My answer was a yes, and a no. There is no point to keep being emotional and wrecked up over this, but that doesn't mean that i should let this be forgotten. No, i would keep this in mind, to remind myself how emotions can take over me, not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. I would use this as lesson to remind myself and keep myself in check. What i can say about this camp was, it was a real eye opener. Like, nothing else had gave me such a wake up call, ever. Its like someone has thrown a bucketfull of ice water at my face. Like a "GROW THE FUCK UP" lecture by an adult.

Wow. And i just celebrated my 18th birthday too.

Layout not working?

Crap. Just noticed my blog's layout disappeared.

Oh well, time to get a new template i guess.

~waiching~

B.A.P

B.A.P's debut mv is outttt~~~ I've been waiting for ages!!! ^^

B.A.P - Warrior mv




I'm in love with these blondies~ ♥

~waiching~