Contemplations

In a way, i could say the 2012 T.E.A.M Camp co-organised by us KMBS and Sudhamma youths gave me plenty of mixed feelings. I felt like i'm stuck in the past, alternating from the happy and the unhappy memories of the camp. One moment i could be smiling and laughing at the good times, and the next minute, i could be reminiscing about a sad event, bringing me close to tears. And with that, four days passed in a blur of confusion, of contemplation, of regret.

Throughout my experiences in camps, never had i experience such strong and raw emotions other than pure joy and happiness. But in this camp, for the first time, i experienced loneliness, hurt, anger, sadness, so strong that it completely took over my mental and emotional state, in turn controlling my physical actions as well. This had caused me to lose my cool, behaving the exact opposite of what i usually am. And it was in camp too. Go figures.

Thinking back on how I've acted, I've gone into depression mode, redrawing into myself, leaving it just me, myself, and my thoughts. With that, i started replaying the events from the first day right to the last day of camp. I analysed my role as a facilitator, what i should have done, what i have done instead, and the outcome. And i analysed the situation where i was insulted, and how i have reacted. In the process, i nearly broke down a few times. I felt like crap, and i started questioning my self worth. Nobody likes me. There's nothing desirable about me at all. Basically, i was inconsolable.

After a while, i snapped out of my stupor. Wait a minute, what on earth is going on? Where did these negative thoughts come from? I calmed myself and took a step back to get a clearer picture. I reanalysed every situation and came to a conclusion. Yes, i have done a miserable job. Yes, i have not been myself in the past week or so. Yes, i have made a lot of mistakes. Yes, i was a short fuse and had exploded at the wrong time. And yes, i had probably pissed off several people as well. But i realised that what's done is done, and there's nothing i can do to undo them or to bring back time. Nothing. No amount of contemplation, regret, and self-loathing can change anything. With that thought, again i ask myself. Is there any point beating myself over and over again for something that had already happened? Hmm.

My answer was a yes, and a no. There is no point to keep being emotional and wrecked up over this, but that doesn't mean that i should let this be forgotten. No, i would keep this in mind, to remind myself how emotions can take over me, not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. I would use this as lesson to remind myself and keep myself in check. What i can say about this camp was, it was a real eye opener. Like, nothing else had gave me such a wake up call, ever. Its like someone has thrown a bucketfull of ice water at my face. Like a "GROW THE FUCK UP" lecture by an adult.

Wow. And i just celebrated my 18th birthday too.